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dhae_knight_1Today's one of those days where it's not so much the fear of death, as it's the thought that there are at least a few people in the world who'd miss me if I was gone that's keeping me from doing something drastic. Why, you ask?
You know my ex-boss and current colleague, I've written about before? Well, I think I've figured out why she's freezing me out (and trust me, when there are three people in a workplace and one's only there for, like three hours a week, freezing someone out is effective!).
We had a meeting today, because she'd complained (not about me, per se - although it's hard to see how it's not about me, when my illness is the only thing that's changed) to our boss. Which then led to me having a very serious conversation (which I was going to have anyway) with him too, about how I felt things were going. So... meeting! About, you know, what's wrong at my workplace, what we each expect of the others, and how we fix the problem that's festering right now.
So... when she's asked, point blank, about what work needs doing that isn't being done now, she mentions two or three things. Which, hello!, I actually do do. Maybe not as much as she'd like, but still... doing! And... that's it? Two or three things? That's what this whole debacle that's now been going on for three fucking weeks has been all about? You serious?
So... anyway. I'm saying that due to my stress, yes, I do like to know what's expected of me. Which she (who's the one complaining) won't tell me. Because, and I quote: "It's not my job." Uh... okay. I'm still stuck on this concept, because if you think something's wrong, you do have a responsibility to either suck it up and live with it - or do your damnedest to change it! (or, y'know, quit). Anyway, when she's asked further, she just vagues up something about the stuff that I'm supposed to "just do", stuff I'm supposed to "just see". Stuff that's apparently so unquantifiable that she can't even speak about it. *eyerolls*
And when the meeting's winding to a close, and my boss takes a quick round of the table to hear what we each think about the meeting, she's all: "Yeah, I don't feel like we solved the problem, here, but... *shrugs* I suppose we'll have to give it a try."
So now I think I've figured it out. She doesn't think I'm fit for working with (which, really, I should have sussed out just after Christmas, when she was all: Well if you can't work full-time now, how'll you ever be able to work full-time? Which, frankly, pissed me off and depressed me vastly back then). She basically wants me gone. Period. Which, y'know, I'm frankly kinda upset about.
I'm pissed that I'm sick and it feels like she's taking my illness (which is due to my fucking work) out on me. Excuse me? I didn't ask for any fo this! I would've lived a happy fucking life without any of this!
I'm upset that I've worked with her for eight years, now, and the first time I need help, she not only pushes me face-down into the mud, but walks across me so that her feet doesn't get dirty. What? Haven't I been a good colleague? Haven't I done my work? What?!?
But most of all? I'm fucking wrathfull because I'm upset about this crap! Because her bitchery makes me doubt my own worth as a worker. And you know what? I'm not perfect - but I'm not bad labor! I'm not unwilling. If she'd only open her damn mouth and talk to me! But nooooo. It's apparently far more satisfying to make your colleagues feel like crap, while you wallow in your own fucking righteous indignation they're not doing what you want them to do.
You know what? I don't care anymore. Here's my friday resolution: I'm going to do my job as I understand it, and as it's been explained to me. I'm going to do it as well as I can. And fuck anyone who don't approve! :-(
You know my ex-boss and current colleague, I've written about before? Well, I think I've figured out why she's freezing me out (and trust me, when there are three people in a workplace and one's only there for, like three hours a week, freezing someone out is effective!).
We had a meeting today, because she'd complained (not about me, per se - although it's hard to see how it's not about me, when my illness is the only thing that's changed) to our boss. Which then led to me having a very serious conversation (which I was going to have anyway) with him too, about how I felt things were going. So... meeting! About, you know, what's wrong at my workplace, what we each expect of the others, and how we fix the problem that's festering right now.
So... when she's asked, point blank, about what work needs doing that isn't being done now, she mentions two or three things. Which, hello!, I actually do do. Maybe not as much as she'd like, but still... doing! And... that's it? Two or three things? That's what this whole debacle that's now been going on for three fucking weeks has been all about? You serious?
So... anyway. I'm saying that due to my stress, yes, I do like to know what's expected of me. Which she (who's the one complaining) won't tell me. Because, and I quote: "It's not my job." Uh... okay. I'm still stuck on this concept, because if you think something's wrong, you do have a responsibility to either suck it up and live with it - or do your damnedest to change it! (or, y'know, quit). Anyway, when she's asked further, she just vagues up something about the stuff that I'm supposed to "just do", stuff I'm supposed to "just see". Stuff that's apparently so unquantifiable that she can't even speak about it. *eyerolls*
And when the meeting's winding to a close, and my boss takes a quick round of the table to hear what we each think about the meeting, she's all: "Yeah, I don't feel like we solved the problem, here, but... *shrugs* I suppose we'll have to give it a try."
So now I think I've figured it out. She doesn't think I'm fit for working with (which, really, I should have sussed out just after Christmas, when she was all: Well if you can't work full-time now, how'll you ever be able to work full-time? Which, frankly, pissed me off and depressed me vastly back then). She basically wants me gone. Period. Which, y'know, I'm frankly kinda upset about.
I'm pissed that I'm sick and it feels like she's taking my illness (which is due to my fucking work) out on me. Excuse me? I didn't ask for any fo this! I would've lived a happy fucking life without any of this!
I'm upset that I've worked with her for eight years, now, and the first time I need help, she not only pushes me face-down into the mud, but walks across me so that her feet doesn't get dirty. What? Haven't I been a good colleague? Haven't I done my work? What?!?
But most of all? I'm fucking wrathfull because I'm upset about this crap! Because her bitchery makes me doubt my own worth as a worker. And you know what? I'm not perfect - but I'm not bad labor! I'm not unwilling. If she'd only open her damn mouth and talk to me! But nooooo. It's apparently far more satisfying to make your colleagues feel like crap, while you wallow in your own fucking righteous indignation they're not doing what you want them to do.
You know what? I don't care anymore. Here's my friday resolution: I'm going to do my job as I understand it, and as it's been explained to me. I'm going to do it as well as I can. And fuck anyone who don't approve! :-(
