There - DONE!

[dhae_knight_1]

Whew! *takes a deep breath*

Just sent off a fairly lengthy mail to my two colleagues and the two bosses that are involved, where I - point blank - ask if my illness-induced inability to recognize work others expect me to do (but can't quantify or, y'know, talk to me about) is the cause of the trouble we've been having lately.

I know, I know... 3 a.m. isn't the greatest time to be writing something like that - but I just couldn't sleep until it was done, so... now it's done. And I really, really tried to keep it toned down and sober (not a big surprise to those of you reading my blog, that's not really my strong suit), but I think I mostly succeeded. Also, hopefully, mostly succeeded in not being too confrontational about the whole thing and centering it around me, my experiences, my emotions, my needs...

So... yeah. Basically asked a question and pointed out that if my supposition is true I see no alternative to me leaving this workplace ASAP, so they can swap me for someone they can use (although, that wasn't quite the language I used. ;-))

DONE! Thank God! That's a weight off my chest. Until... oh... 7 a.m. when I'll probably wake with a pounding heart and start worrying about whether or not they'll be insulted, feel that I'm a busy-body, feel that I'm jumping the shark... Yeesh! I need a sensitivity-transplant, STAT!

Comments

[psychedk.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you got that off your chest! Personally, though, I think you're being way too submissive. You're basically telling them you know you're the problem, which will just make them nod their heads and say "I told you so" and think they were right all along. You. ARE NOT. the problem. No matter how sick you are, it's your colleague's fault that she can't tell you what's bothering her. And it's your boss who's a dickhead for not solving issues, for not respecting your illness, for a lot of things. I think you're being way too nice here and leaving it too much up to them. But of course I'm not you, I'm only talking from my own situation, and you need to do what feels best for you, what you're comfortable with, and what will make your situation more tolerable for you. They're probably not going to say "yeah, find another job", they'll probably say "Oh no, as long as bla bla bla bla." I just hope you will be able to tell them that they need to speak up if they want anything changed instead of giving you the cold shoulder, otherwise you will continue as you have before and assume that the matter is solved.

The best of luck and looking forward to hearing what they have to say! *hugs*

[dhae_knight_1]

Yeah, but see, it isn't so serious, at all. Because we've got six libraries, so I'm not leaving the job - just my workplace, which is currently one of the libraries.

And... yeah. I am being submissive, and shouldering a lot of the responsibility for fixing the problem. Because, clearly, my co-worker won't address the issue directly. My boss can't fix it, since he's extremely uncomfortable dealing with actual people with actual emotions (would you believe he started talking about our technical skills as the reason for our current problems? We flat-out told him that it's not technical skills that are lacking, here. It's a social issue.).

But mostly, because I've learned to read myself, and I've learned that there are things I can accept and there are things I can't accept - and I need to do something pro-active about the stuff that's bothering me. Because nobody else is going to! Which, you know, is a good life-lesson to learn, but tough as hell to get through. And which I really, really wish my strangely passive-aggressive coworker had learned when she was my age. So... yeah. I'm doing it because I'm not going to stand for that kind of crap again, and I needed to make everyone aware of what I will and won't accept.

Also? I know my coworkers and bosses well enough by now that being confrontational is always counterproductive - and mostly lands me in hot water. It's harder to argue against a "well, this is how I feel"-statement. :-)